i gained so much fucking weight over Marshmead.. now i have to lose it all, im going for a run tomorrow fuck me its going to be hard, but im not going to start throwing up again because i know how fucking terrible it is for the people around me i love you guys and i missed you please help me get healthy again

my people

jesus, i have no idea how im going to leave you all.. i dont want to leave because i know how much can happen in 8 weeks, i feel like if im not here the world will turn upside down and i know its stupid but i like things the way they are and i dont want to lose you please be the same when i get back and i love you all

anther kitty pic :)

normal Wednesday night

this is what happens when you take away my computer mother dearest.

feeling really alone
i know its my fault
but still
i have no nice clothes
i hate my body
i know someone likes me but what are the bets we will never get together..
my life is average
i want to go back to cutting

soooooo confused... S.O.S your so amazing but i dont know if i like you like that. :( and there are others gah i need someone experienced i need CARA

thats just exactly what mim told me wold hapen...
i love mim why do i never see her now... sad face

stop the hurt

I'm overwhelmed by the fact that this has been hidden from me my whole life, i thought it had been stamped out, yet i hear so many cases now of my friends who i always thought were invincible being beaten by their so called "loved ones"

my secret perfection

the way you act,
so carefree you don't give a fuck,
but then your so passionate about everything,
and it tears me apart to think of what you have been through,
and after it all you've become an amazing person
i couldn't imagine whats happened to you
but i wish i knew how to help you
somehow when i think of you my heart hurts
and im not sure why
i have this love for you like you are my own child
and i want to be able to protect you from everything that is bad in the world
but there is so much
and i cant protect you because i wasn't there when it happened
and the words are pouring out of me and im crying for you
something about you makes me incredibly sad
i know when your at home by yourself your not as strong as you seem
most people don't see
and i cant possibly start to relate to you in any way
your the very image of Independence
i get this feeling from you like your going to jump off a cliff one day
just cos you feel like it
and you know no one can touch you
wow you'll never know this is about you
i love you more that you will ever know
please stay safe
because if your not in the same world as me i don't think i could bear it
love abby.

i dont know why this happened dont make me choose betweet the two of you please :(

ill hide my secrets in the dark shadows cast by the bright lights made for interrogating me.

formspring is painful

where the hell is my Frankie magazine!
seriously considering not eating for the weekend
loose a couple of kilos

i check your blogs every day

i wonder if you check mine,

i hope you do

it really does mean something to me

yes??

haven't posted in a long time, i don't think anyone cares, anyway raided mums clothes from a long time ago and fount a couple nice things, judge away.

12:00 there are fireworks outside my bedroom window

cute start to my new year

hope jas is ok

cant sleep too hot

don't know what to think about birthdays

i don't think anyone really cares any more

i don't..

i feel inadequate,

how do you do it

everyone makes it look so easy

and then they like you

and they like everyone,

but me?

help, i don't want to be desperate

but wtf?

and im back in my room,
smoke in my lungs,
measuring tape around my neck,
patturn spread on the floor,
this is my happy place,
here i am happy

can you text me
when your in the bathroom alone
and you feel like shit
text me and i will come
i love you all

im alive, did you miss me
i hope so
see you tomorrow if you want to come and see me

religeon in a nutshell, bullshit, this is how i see the world, we've been lied too

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

do you understand, those people are dead because they knew. maybe if we keep quiet we can get away with knowing.

an oasis of happy in this desert of fuck up

it was the perfect day
the sunlight streamed through the green leaves creating dappled light. we sat on the lounges and watched them swim. her laughter was like music as he chased after her. it was funny watching how naively they played. we sat back and i rolled my eyes over his singlet tan lines, every freckle and blemish. he was singing to himself and i was sucking on an ice block in awe of this easy effortless scene. he offered me an earphone, i declined and he pushed it into my hand. laughing at his stubbornness i curiously put the earphone in. not head banger music, not rock or rap, peaceful happy music. the kind of music that makes you appreciate life a little more. here is where i belong, but then in a flash it was over. he was gone, the pool was empty and i was left with the Eco of laughter ringing faintly ringing in my ears.

new music on the side >
just so you know i found it BEFORE it was on the coke add so there. humph
getting new bathers today shopping for christmas
its going to be ok
i love you all <3

its not going to be the same this year.. christmas i mean
there are 4 days to go
and there are no presents under the tree
i dont have any idea what i want
i dont want things like i used to
i dont want a new phone or a hair straightener or an ipod
i just want money to go shopping for clothes with friends
but i dont want to not have anything under the tree
i know its not going to be the same anymore
i think last year was my last christmas.. and it breaks my heart
i dont want to grow up yet..
iv been forced into it
and these salty tears wont bring my childhood back
i apologise if i dont spend this week hanging out with you
but i have lots of time for that
and i feel like my time with my parents and brothers is numbered
because i know im not going to feel like this for long
and im going to lose them
so im not coming on tuesday
because im not coming out at all this week
please try to understand
i need this last christmas
so im going to try and hold on
im sorry

updates

iv drastically stopped eating
in one day i usually get up have a class of coke
co to my room at 3:00 i will have 3 slices of watermelon
then the only meal that is supervised is dinner
my dog really likes me lately
i think he deserves my dinner
good boy :)
this has gone on for over a week
.. i want to want to eat again
i think i need to be exposed to large amounts of fat in the form of maccas
one large Mc chicken meal with chocolate shake
then pass out on table
sounds good!
oh and on Monday
i have an orthodontist appointment
you have to adventure without me my darlings
Sunday is on though
thank you and goodnight
P.S i started picking my lips again.. i like the taste of blood it lasts for longer when its actually coming out your lips ;)

Becka Diamond from Stylelikeu.com from Stylelikeu on Vimeo.

all i can say is wow.

i dont want to kill myself,
i just dont want to live,
get it?

i don't want to go on facebook anymore
because every time i do
it makes me cold all over
i just feel so unwanted
i get that you don't want me around anymore
but can you tell me why?

is it weird that i spent 3 hours staring at my ceiling today
at the end i decided that i spend too much time alone
WHAT THE FUCK?!
MY LIFE IS SO AVERAGE!

i dont know if you know this
but we are tearing each other apart
please stop with this
because some people dont bounce back
and we need all the support we can get
cant you see that your spiraling down
its not going to get better if we keep alienating the people we love
someday there will be no one left
but ill still be here

um can someone tell me who they like so i don't step on any toes.. THANKS
sitting here sucking on my glasses..

hmm i must say some of those boys were quite yummy
i hope we meet again ;)
umm i had something to say..
oh anyone that had my blog can you take followers off your blog if i follow it or can you block me because i cant figure out how to un follow your blogs and im trying to stop people from getting it so please delete it or me :)

this is my list of things that have to be true
1. the middle of the bed is always the safest place
2. its easy to sleep in the rain
3. cigs are best taken in the sun with friends
im struggling here
4. music is the best way to find peace
5. crying will always help me

thats pathetic.. 5 things

Updates:

well i cant really talk about everything thats going on inside my head because i just dont want to think about it, is this still my sanctuary...
i found this (new to me) tv series called misfits
its a british show
and its really good
its about a couple of kids that have to do community service
then they get superpowers
this is before they kill there patrol manager person
umm was crushed when fireflies came on the radio
became obsessed with shane dawson
go check him out on youtube
cant get to sleep
have no cigarettes
going to see you tomorrow
should be a reason to get up for a change.. should i buy me some cigs .. im thinking so.. whats the cheapest brand you can buy?
goodnight or should i say good-morning
its amanda's birthday
she's amazing
we had a dnm about giving head
she smokes
she has perdy gold packs
hehe

why is it still so hard
to breathe through filtered air
don't hold your breath
the sun will come when its ready

i have an idea... im going to change my blog url and see how many people read my blog or at least ask for it..

olis best friends made him a board like that..<3

oliver whittaker

aaaaaargh corny confession
my brother is my idol atm
he just came back from a 9 month trip overseas doing whatever the fuck he wanted
he's changes so much but its ok cos now he is nice to me
he has awesome hot friends that all love him (no drama)
his friend amanda is amazing and she says she's my sister
we had a dnm the other night about giving head in year 8 (Y) she said i can talk to her any time
basically a week after he got back he and his friends went on a raid trip to Byron bay in the van above (thats what i want my first car to be)
and he is just amazing at art and Uni and he has everything going for him no worries. wow (L) i think he's the only family ill be close to when I'm older, wow
(he took that photo)

i dont know but i think im ready
i want to give them to you
ugh i dont know
im still angry
i smash my head against the walls at night
and cry myself to sleep
but.. i dont know
release me.

i don't want to ask to be invited anymore
just don't let me find out

i don't understand.. where is everyone?
and stephanie Symington i love you
always will.

wow i really hope that you didn't give it away when i trusted you with it..
ouch um
wow
thanks.

oh and rejected by my girls thats nice
not like imma get any of the guys..
just wanted to hang with you guys
maybe another time

have you ever seen the upside down world?
i found myself in it today
walking through the shadows and reflections that most people dont notice
its amazing how everything has its upside down
my upside down creature walks slowly
walks alone
looks cautious
looks scared.

i really hope that the reason your not txting back is because you have no credit.. no one talks.
ever.

they will hurt us

rehm i know what its like
i hope you remembered to look at my blog
i only gave it to you because i trust you
there are only a few people at mlc that have it and thats not kalsha
i know it looks bleak now
but take heart darling
there will be other boys
and if someone does that to you
is that really someone worth the worry
don't cry
it tears me up
i know what your going through
i love you.
xx

my barrier

i think im safe for now,
last night i found out something wonderful
iv built a wall
i found out that i no longer put my trust in anything
i know it wont last
or when i expect something it wont come
iv made a cushion
so when i fall it doesn't hurt so hard anymore
im glad it doesn't hurt anymore
the bruises were getting hard to cover

gah i really want to go to the party saturday bit mum will be tight and if i get to go i wont be able to drink cos mum will know.. gah gah what should i wear? :)

it was one of those nights when you could tell there was a storm coming
everything was too quiet and there was an electric in the air
the bed was uncomfortable, the pillow was hard and cold
sleep swept over me for a few hours before i was awoken to an unfamiliar touch
as i regained consciousness i realized that the covers were down and my pajama pants had been pulled down to my knees. someone was touching me with something i wasn't sure what. i pretended to roll over in my sleep and pulled the covers up over my body. i could feel something tugging at the covers, i woke up. "matt what are you doing?, Oh i came in to see if i could find my... jumper i think i left it in here before. its 1:30..? oh right yeah well.. anyway how are you? I'm fine and you? yeah I'm great!" we could hear someone coming down the hall, matt dived behind a chair and rolls into a ball. "abby are you alright? yeah I'm fine where is matt?" i look over at the chair "matt get out of here!" she comes over and strokes my hand "its OK are you OK go to sleep" i close my eyes and try to fight back the tears before the door closes and I'm free to cry, sobs over coming my mind. i close my eyes and try to forget.

we have good times together don't we?

i hope you realize..

i hope you know that i don't hold anyones hand
i hope you know that i love you for who you really are and not for who you were of ever will be
i hope you know im here for you to txt or call whenever you want
i hope you know your the first person id txt when im sad
steph, i hope you know all these things
because otherwise its not worth it
and my love will go to waste..

today was a first for a few things,
it was the first time iv ever cried when i looked in the mirror
actually thats not true i usually get out of the shower and cry but not i just try not to look..
i had fun indie/vintage shopping with jas cas steph and victoria
and i went to an odd but awesome maccas in richmond! woo this is a good day :)

you waste it on me

i thought i was going to write about something else
but i need to write this
i cost more that any one else in my family
oliver went away for 9 months and that cost $12,000
marcus bought a new kayak on top of everything he only costs $6,000
i go to school at mlc and i cost 20,000
more next year
.. and for what?!
for me to go out and pretend I'm going to boom
so i can smoke and cut and be unhappy
so i can be a disappointment to you
you day I'm not but i know i am
the look in you eye when you see my reports
the way you talk about how I'm better than this
you don't deserve to work for me
for what seems like a lost cause
i don't want to me a disappointment to you
because it hurts me to think that i am
because if i try i could be better
because I'm purposely doing this
because I'm not like them
but not like you
I'm sorry dad
I'm a disappointment
I'm sorry I'm not better

um.. i know its not as good as any of your sketches.. i tried?? haha

last night i stayed up and drew a picture
its really odd so im not going to put it up
well maybe later when i can be bothered to take a pic of it
i cannot wait until this friday/saturday!!
this is how i think it should go:
- meet in camber-well
- go somewhere to get food
- go somewhere to smoke
- lots
- catch the train to boom
- maybe go in maybe not
- smoke
- laugh
- smile
- go home
- draw some more
- go to chapel street on saturday
- find awesome vintage shops
- find new cool t-shirts
- smoke
- laugh
- smile

cant wait, love you guys <3

do you still like me,
I'm sorry i don't want to be another person being another reason for your pain.
but i just don't want to pretend anymore. argh I'm sorry
i always fuck everything up
sorry
just know that I'm sorry
and i want to try to make things better for you if there is any way i can
if that means i have to fuck off them i guess i will
just tell me

'unremarkable'
i think of it as that feeling when you have given up
not on life or on living but just on that moment
i feel unremarkable at this moment
but i dont think that its the moment
not today
i think its me

i wish i was bold enough to be different
I'm so much the same as everyone else.
we talked yesterday about "mainstream"
I'm so mainstream!
i don't look any different
i don't act different
i don't do anything different
just like the others
but not like you
thats why i don't fit in
i still like being with you
and we are happy together
but i don't fit in with your crowd
not anymore
i haven't changed
you haven't either
just the people you hang with
they are fun and nice and awesome
somehow i have managed to tag along until now
my whole life is set up for me already
i haven't realized until now
we are so different in that way
the way i act around you is so different to the way i act around them
the people that shape me..
since the moment i was born i have been moulded..
i wish i was bold enough to be different

today was strange but nice,
i love being with both of you,
i love running through the unsheltered parts on the sidewalk in the rain,
i love jumping in puddles and spinning until I'm dizzy,
i love sipping drinks and talking about things,
i love screaming and running around parking lots,
i love hugging and not letting go,
i love it all because I'm with you,
i love it because i love you

a post for brooke?

ok so i know im a creepy stalker that you havnt met BUT you also had my blog so now we r even. had a pretty awesome chat today... while you went spastic on my mathletics, hope you had fun (at least someone takes advantage of "all the oportunities on offer at my gay school"). ermmm yer your blog is good, your good at writing, your amazing at drawing and you have a possum outside your window. chyeah thats all i have to say.. gay post... umm prrneow (YOU HAVE AN ORGASMIC LAUGH!)

christmas wish list: (just for stephy)
ummmm
- fairy lights for my roof
- wall mirror for my room
summer clothes..
- singlets (bardot)
- vintage dresses (spanish moss)
- bras calvin klein (myer)
- skirts (sportsgirl)
- white shorts (supre)
- t-shirts (dangerfield)
- undies (rio)
- bonds hoodie (TSL)
- black flats (rubi shoes)

thats about it. don't really need anything on that list but I'm a spoilt brat so ill probably get most of it.... erm enjoy steph?

why is it so much easier there
i never felt the need to cry
not once
and the first night back here..


As her mother leaves the room she lies back on the bed and relaxes, the stream that she has been holding off for so long suddenly over flows and a single tear drops down onto her fat ugly cheek. She sighs and rests her hands on her forehead in surrender. The night she knew was never going to be a happy one. She repeats the words in her head, trying to understand. All she can think is that she wants to go back... she thinks, they don't have break downs like this, they don't ever cry unless its something big. Why am i so weak?! Why am i so stupid?! Why am i so fucked up. All i wanted was to see them, to maybe make them happy or even for them to make me happy, save me from this routine. She scrunches her hands into fists and beats them on her legs. She looks like a pathetic child throwing a tantrum, and really that's all she is a pathetic child. The way she looks, the way she talks, the way she lives. Some stupid girl screwing with herself just to please others.